To be read with this companion piece: https://www.teenvogue.com/gal
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Rihanna: It is the year 2079. Most of humankind has been offloaded by Elon Musk clones (after his grisly public rending and ceremonial consumption) to alternate worlds. To avoid the war and dissent that led to the events of mid century different religions are sent to different planets. A subsect of Catholics revert to being a rich party religion, and this is their Disco Space Pope.
Lili Reinhart: she can’t stay with this tuxedoed child, he’s a prop, because the real story is that she’s an ice dancer who has to hide that she’s a cyborg, and how will she win the Olympic gold in ice dancing without anyone finding out, especially after That Day With The Errant Blade?
Bee Shaffer: it looks like this is a girlfriend dress, but secretly this brave daughter is smuggling an enormous amount of cocaine under the skirt and in every ruffle, after rebonding with her estranged mother who got in deep with the Miami mob.
Laura Love: what would have happened if women had gotten really damn pissed off during the worst of the troubles and, starting from Belfast, created a fighting force of schoolgirls who solved the entire thing with their fists (and nunchucks)
Jasmine Sanders: If Art Deco friezes all over the world came to life and jazzily began to dance and then beeeeebop began to kill everyone and rap was the only thing that could stop them (soundtrack of rap killing jazz)
Kiersey Clemons: A story of the unheralded clothing designer that dressed Bille, Ella, and all the luminaries of the 20-50s, then invented the basketball net
Amal Clooney: busy, accomplished human rights lawyer has to make an appearance at huge party, likes being able to walk, also likes flowers sometimes, off to do more human rights lawyering now
Bella Hadid: the oil monster from Ferngully, but make it fashion
Lily Collins: in a future where everyone is an android but some are entertainment and some are quasi sentient, our hero tries to write more pathos and joy into her code, but without crossing over into almost human, a fate for which she feels nothing but contempt
Katherine Langford: Melisandre when she was still at Mississippi State with her kooky galpals in the 70s, trying to avoid just getting her MRS and fading into obscurity
Ashley Graham: I’m sorry but this is so boring, and I love her, I just got nothing here
Zoe Kravitz: finds herself one day trapped in a Dolce and Gabbana ad, but none of the food is real. She fashions a covering out of tablecloths and random doilies and sets about trying to find a way out of the meta realm
Hailee Sternfeld: Winner of a Miss Popcorn Pageant at a state fair, our hero’s naked ambition becomes a force to be reckoned with
Dakota Fanning: “guys for real though the Oracles are just Really Fucking High cause of the caves. No I’m SERIOUS, stop going to fucking war over this shit or I will have to run for mayor of Athens myself”
Rosie Huntington Whitley: I can’t. She’s too pretty. A shroud becomes sentient and people all over the world decide to just die because it’s so pretty. To dark for Pixar? Ok a fish shroud etc etc.
Arianna Grande: When Drusilla from cinderella gets passed over for the prince she says Fuck It and starts going to gay clubs. She ends up the unofficial queen of The Cock in Rome- but how will she balance her life of gaity with getting a Real Job?
Hailee Baldwin: girlfriend
Shailene Woodley: hardly anyone knows that we have had contact with extraterrestrials for millennia: it’s just that until we get our shit together they don’t want to really DO this, you know? Shailene Woodley stars as one of the envoys of the alien human convocation of 1660. Her job? to try to keep the civil unrest of the French countryside hush hush.
Katy Perry: Neil Gaimen was right- angels can be bloodthirsty and immoral- but he failed to reflect how much they like to dance and how sad heaven is without anywhere to disco
Taylor Hill: there is no gender, there never was, and with that said this is what Cardinal Wolsey really looked like, and now you know why they got away with it for so long
Karlie Kloss: the dogme film of the bunch- there are no production values, make up anything as a story
Kendall Jenner: stars in a new biopic about 80s Judith Krantz which reveals in garish and lavish detail that she really did love Bill Blass clothes that much and also cocaine and also shopping and nothing actually bad happens, so it might be a crappy teleplay, but it sounds wheeeee
Jennifer Lopez: the true story of a woman who sold second hand Versace out of her car boot for 20 years and in a triumph of sheer will became one of the best ballroom dancers to ever live
Miley Cyrus: in a modern update of Freaky Friday, Cyrus and Jessica Lange wake up one morning four days after getting the max amount of Botox and realize they may have switched bodies but they aren’t sure. Then they solve crimes
Winnie Harlow: a fractals and aerospace scholar falls asleep and has a dream. When she wakes she can’t deny it anymore- she is super gay. But will she ever see her dream woman again, and will she be able to remember the formulas she envisioned as well?
Stella Maxwell: what no one tells you at the end of the old Little Mermaid story is that she didn’t turn into sea foam, she infiltrated the Medicis and, voiceless, climbed to the very top of the dynasty
Paris Jackson: co-stars as Margherita de Medici, who initially views the mermaid with suspicion but none-the-less teaches her to write for communication and then falls in love with her beautiful mathematical mind. Together they develop the general ledger system to make her family the most powerful in Florence
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen: very nearly born into fame and scrutiny these twins used constant work to keep their brains from breaking under a pervy world pressure that tried to eat them alive. As adults they design sumptuous, voluminous clothing that affords the wearer dignity and a relief from prying eyes. Also sometimes they go to parties.
Gigi Hadid: my sister got this amazing role in Ferngully and I love her so I signed on as one of the extras so I can tell her what a delight she is every day. I think I’m a river fairy or something
Yara Shahidi: what happens when a 20 year old who’s obsessed with the Great Gatsby inherits a huge fortune and ownership of the Kentucky Derby? Will horse racing ever be the same?
Selena Gomez: woman has an unbelievably rough year, gets her kidney replaced, can’t seem to leave this fuckboi alone, would really like to be hanging out with her friends, but must make an appearance. She rallies- will the night contain surprises? Or will she just be allowed to go home and get in bed?
Kylie Jenner: woman is born into a family of competitive fame athletes. It’s rough- her first time on the track she falls down, and there are additional set backs. But when she sees the family sports doctor her luck changes. Montage montage montage. In the final competition she emerges victorious, lapping all but one of her sisters, and is awarded a super cute trophy! Stay tuned for part 2. Co-starring Kris as Mickey Goldmill.
Zendaya: woman watches Joan of Arc documentary and snaps. “That’s IT,” she says. She begins to dress in homage to the teenage saint and refer to herself as a warrior- at her job as an insurance broker, with her book club, and on dates. But she discovers- it’s not easy to decide what a feminist hero would actually DO in this modern world
Cara Delavigne: in france, a woman’s only friend has her hijab ripped from her head on the train and subsequently returns home to Morocco. When our hero’s bus driver needles her about her friend and then chucks her under the chin leering, she decides to see what it’s like to disguise your femininity in a deliberate and constant way. Hijinks galore
Emilia Clarke: Netflix has greenlit a show written by Baz Luhrman about some era of England and starring that Rhys Meyers kid. It doesn’t matter what it is or when. This woman wants a part.
Darren Kriss: so does this man.
Emily Rajatowsky: sorta in Barbarella? Stretching
Kim Kardashian: woman is ground breaking genius of abnormal normalcy and titillation, every move filmed. She makes her body a new kind of public and by holding nothing back becomes evermore a mystery. She is clearly unchallenged in love, until she meets a man who maybe understands. He demands that he be allowed to mold her, nip by nip and tuck by tuck. Is she truly free in her consciousness, her corporeal being meaningless, her submission to his aesthetics a loving injoke about the public’s consuming eye?
Solange: a woman journeys far and wide to find art that really fills her soul, and when she does she dresses in its image. When she starts ascending to the stars she must question her sanity, but that part isn’t long, it gets settled fast- she’s sane! she’s just awesome! the end.